If the filter is turned up too high, it will constantly doubt itself. Nothing seems good enough to tell.
Amara was at a backyard cookout when she noticed a woman she had never met before. The woman crouched next to the host’s old golden retriever, scratched behind his ears, and talked to him as if he were the guest of honor. Amara wanted to talk to him but held back.
All afternoon, Amara noticed that there was little chance of him saying anything. He could have asked a question, made a lighthearted comment, or joined in as she laughed with the group. But he waited every time. He was constantly searching for the “right” moment or the perfect thing to say.
The longer he waited, the harder it was for him to speak.
She also seemed a little quiet, maybe even shy. But instead of seeing this as a chance to help him get comfortable, Amara saw it as a reason to stay back. He told himself that he probably wouldn’t be able to say anything anyway.
Soon the cooking was over and the woman left.
What bothered Amara the most was that this was nothing new. She often felt self-conscious in social situations. He might crack a joke here or there, but he rarely struck up a real conversation—not even with people he thought he might “click” with. By the time he felt ready, the moment was usually over.
In my work they are introverts, shy peopleand socially anxious peopleI have heard many versions of Amara’s story. The details change, but the pain is familiar: You’re tired of staying in your head. Tired of filtering yourself. You want people to get to know the real you, but often you don’t know what to say.
Is your filter set too high?
One of the reasons you feel like you have nothing to say is because you filter too much.
Sometimes filtering is a good thing. It prevents us from saying the wrong thing or hurting someone’s feelings, for example cracking a joke on a his colleague was dismissed. It also helps you read the room, so you don’t blurt out a personal story when someone else needs to be heard, or ask a question that’s too personal at the moment.
But if you are shy, introverted, or worriedmaybe the filter is screwed too high. It can be to feel like you don’t have anything worthwhile to say, but if you look closely, you’ll probably see it are he has thoughts. You may come up with possible things to say and then quickly dismiss them.
If the filter is turned up too high, it will constantly doubt itself. You wonder if you should share a certain thought or story, and worry that the other person might not like it or judge you. You might think your thoughts are too drillingrandom or general. You can force yourself to say only amazingly witty, interesting, yet relevant things. Nothing seems good enough, so you feel like you have nothing to say—and you end up staying silent.
For many of us, screening is what psychologists call a safety behavior. Safety behaviors are things we do to reduce the risk of embarrassment, such as staying quiet, avoiding eye contact, rehearsing sentences, or speaking only when we are sure it will go well. These behaviors can feel protective in the moment, but they can also hold us back—just like Amara did.
This is because security behavior may decrease anxiety short-term, but often maintained in the long-term. If you always keep quiet until you feel absolutely sure, you will never have the opportunity to learn, I can say something imperfect and still be okay.
And just as importantly, others will never have a chance to find out you.
How to filter yourself less
Here’s the thing: There will never be one perfect or “right” thing to say.
Many times it is simply the “right” thing that suits the other person. You can say the exact same sentence to two different people and one person likes it. They smile and suddenly it feels like the perfect thing to say.
But someone else may not be connected to it. And then, in your mind, the same comment becomes “wrong”. You beat yourself up for saying it, even though those same words would have worked beautifully with someone else.
That’s why it helps to relax the filter a bit. If something comes to mind that isn’t offensive, cruel, or really weird at the moment, try saying it. Don’t worry if it seems casual or inspired. Most conversations they are made up of everyday comments.
You can ask a question. You can share a personal thought. At first, you might feel uncomfortable talking like this, especially if you’re used to heavily editing yourself. But it gets easier with practice.
Share a bit of your inner world
This is important because relationships grow through small moments of vulnerability. You don’t have to tell a stranger your deepest secrets. You just have to give a glimpse into your inner world.
For Amara, it might have sounded like this:
- “I love old dogs.”
- “I always end up close pets at parties.”
- “What’s his name?”
These comments aren’t dazzling, but they don’t have to be. They simply give something to the other person to respond to.
For now, try this exercise: List 10 things that come to mind right now. They can be silly, serious, random, boring, dark or weird. It doesn’t matter. Just write them down quickly without judging them. The point is to make you realize that your mind is probably not blank. You may have more thoughts than you think – you’ve just sifted through a lot of them.
The best part of being able to share more of your authentic self? Attract people who relate to your personality, beliefs and lifestyle. In other words, it helps find people who really “get” you. – which makes conversations more fun, meaningful and energetic.
Are you an introvert who never knows what to say in social situations? I’ve been there too. That’s why I created it Confident introverted scripts. It’s over 150 ready-to-use phrases for alone time, boundaries, energy conservation, socializing, and more. I developed the guide with feedback from therapists and introverted colleagues to make sure it really helps.
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