For a long time, I thought I was doing everything right with dating. After getting out of an eight-year relationship—and then a rebound that emotionally wrecked me in ways I didn’t fully process for at least a few years—I spent the next few years in a weird in-between period.
In theory, I gave myself away: I went on dates, met people, and was open even when it felt exhausting. But in reality, I felt more like I was playing a role that I got really good at. I had just enough distance to control it, but not enough awareness to recognize how that distance shaped my behavior.
But after what felt like countless first dates in New York City, I began to notice a pattern: I treated dates like auditions. I would appear polished, engaged, and ask the right questions. If they liked me – texted me afterwards, complimented me and wanted to see me again – I felt an instant sense of relief, as if I had passed an exam. But that feeling rarely lasted, and more importantly, I almost never stopped to ask myself the most fundamental question: Did I like them at all?
It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t really dating for the relationship, I was dating for the validation. Therapists say this distinction can be subtle but significant, often manifesting itself in patterns that seem normal on the surface but are actually rooted in a sense of being chosen rather than really getting to know someone.
Here are some red flags that dating experts say you’re looking for a partner for the wrong reasons.
Signs you’re dating for an ego boost — not a real relationship
1. You think more about having a partner than being with this person.
If your mind tends to jump ahead to what your life in a relationship would look like, what it would feel like to have a partner, and how that person fits into that picture, you may be clinging to the idea more than the reality. As Moe Ari BrownLMFT therapist and Hinge’s in-house Love and Connection Expert explains that genuine interest is rooted in the person: “You have to see them as a whole person, not a flattened version or fantasy.” When you date for validation, the emotional payoff often comes from imagining you’re chosen, rather than dealing with who the person sitting across from you really is.
