Highly sensitive people are very intuitive, which can make a difference in dating — *if* you can learn to listen to that inner voice.
If you are like the extremely sensitive person (HSP) I was in my 20s, and dating—especially in this swipe culture that makes us quick to judge and easily dismiss others—was anxiety-inducing at worst, arduous and unpleasant at best. They have a way of digging up long-held insecurities about ourselves. It is possible that we keep asking the question: Do I maintain my defense to be accepted under false pretenses? Or should I let my guard down and risk being rejected for revealing my messy, true self?
For HSPs who live in a world that doesn’t always understand our needs and neurodivergence, dating can be especially overwhelming. Uncertainty makes the process inherently risky, esp people who experience their feelings on a more intense level like most. However, knowing yourself and your defensiveness can help you navigate it. Here are some things that have helped me dating as an HSP.
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7 Dating Tips for Highly Sensitive People
1. Choose a calm and safe environment that is not overly stimulating.
HSPs are more sensitive to environmental stimuli than the average person, which can affect our dating experience (for better or worse). I remember times when my (environmentally induced) discomfort affected my presence.
Once, for example, during a trip and a picnic dinner, I arrived in an extremely cold and foggy environment. The conversation stalled as we walked down the mile stretch to the beach. It felt like forever before we got there. Every cell in my body communicated with my brain the desire to be somewhere else.
As an HSP who is attuned to environmental factorsI could never predict what factors like the lighting, noise level, and smells in the air would be like at the date location. To help with that, I’ll try to get there a little earlier. That way I could scope out the place and pick a spot where I felt most comfortable. Dim lighting, relatively quiet, comfortable furniture… every HSP is different, but some of these are known to benefit many of us.
It’s also been helpful to stick to basic dates when I’m out and about – and not have to stray too far out of my comfort zone.. I plan dates in an environment where I know I will feel safe, as a new person probably won’t understanding my triggers so early. Plus, I don’t even have to explain to them if we’re in a place where I’m not overstimulated.
2. Listen to your body and your intuition.
Our bodies can often be wiser than our brains, even if we try to convince ourselves otherwise and brush off the messages it’s trying to give us. The night before I was supposed to meet a woman I was in an on/off relationship with, for example, I had trouble sleeping. Depression set in. Looking back, I think my body warned me that this situation wasn’t right after I tried (but ignored) a few times. Now upping the ante, he insisted I listen.
I think as much as we don’t want to listen, that voice might be telling us something is wrong. And, As an HSP, our inner voice is quite loud through our intuition. This is to help us make better decisions about our dating lives. He wants to stop us from chasing cute squirrels off rocky cliffs. This will expose us to the more manageable pain of short-term disappointment instead of the longer-term pain of having come too far.
The voice doesn’t always look at these situations with fresh eyes, and that sometimes scares us. But you can really help us.
3. Be careful with alcohol.
As mentioned earlier, many environmental factors are overwhelming for HSPs, so we may drink too much to drown out the inner noise. I did this for too many years and it often backfired. Alcohol can do that to you banishing bad feelings which, however unpleasant, are also important. Over the years, booze numbed the signs that someone had done me wrong or was emotionally unavailable. I drank to make the red flags look pink, because pink is a bargain. I was able to convince myself that pink wouldn’t hurt if I played my cards right. In a way, I think I drank to avoid having to face reality.
Maybe you’re thinking, “I like who I am, but most people need time to warm up, and alcohol helps make me more attractive.” To this I say If you need alcohol to convince someone that you’re a certain way, you’re basically going to need alcohol every time you’re with them. In order to find yourself open to a potential match who appreciates you for exactly who you are, awkward silences and all, you have to accept the discomfort that comes with dating. You want someone who sees you act like this and it won’t make them interested in you because they’ll see a bigger picture of who you are.
4. Try to stay away from labeling and instead pay attention (early) to how the other person’s actions make you feel.
How many of you HSPs have been told that your feelings are too serious? That “too much”? How are you “too emotional”? Patriarchy perpetuates the lie that anything more than feeling completely restrained and polished is “baggage”—not a response within the range of normal human reactions to a given situation. It feels pretty awful. In the past, when I was treated this way, I (in my head) I would diagnose the women I was with as people, they are narcissistsor bypasses.
One day I realized that what really matters is my experience of the relationship. What mattered was my feelings in response to their behavior (and leaving the diagnosis to the psychologists). As tempting as it was to partake in it at times, the diagnosis didn’t bring much relief. It only distracts you from your own healing, which you need to do.
Remind yourself that meeting your needs and standards for another person is a valid component healthy relationships. If a person continues dismiss your feelings or ignite themthen he is not a healthy person to have in your life. Regardless of their psychiatric diagnosis, they hurt you and refuse to own up to their part. And we all deserve more than that from the person we’re dating.
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5. Take care of healthy stimulation.
In many relationships, it usually happens that we start with quite a lot of vulnerability and self-disclosure (this is often what gets us as HSPs; our heart for deep things). We then descend to a distant plateau. Next time we hang out, let’s go back to the top.
When I start noticing these extreme lows and highs, I know I’m in unhealthy territory (usually with a commitment-avoidant person). since in a healthy relationshipwe start lower, with less self-disclosure, but still enough that the interaction doesn’t feel surface-level. Maybe we’ll talk about current passions and minor struggles, rather than the impact of our parents’ divorce on us or the eating disorders we experienced as teenagers.
From here, we gradually rise to a place of closer, deeper attachment. It’s not a linear climb; maybe they (or I) need to leave a moment of space along the way. But the ever-so-slight temporary dips aren’t as intense, extreme, or jarring. Once you reach the top, you don’t pull back and fall down. We stay there together and continue to build.
I am personally less familiar with the latter relationships. I’m more used to the former, but I hope this will change more I continue to heal and improve as a person. As an HSP dater, it may be helpful to keep this template in mind as a barometer.
6. Take a break if (and when) you need it. They are healthy!
It’s important to recover from your last dating situation before starting a new one. Make sure you discuss this with a therapist or a support group so that you don’t compulsively repeat a pattern. If you’re always heartbroken and constantly trying to get over someone, you’re much less likely to make informed decisions. The cycle of selecting unsuitable partners (or whatever the case may be) then continues. I did this for years without realizing it. The compulsive repetition of similar decisions perpetuated a cycle of negative consequences.
I always wanted things to work out with whoever I was dating. I see now that it had less to do with liking the person than how I felt necessary the relationship must be established, the message I internalized from the last “failed” relationship (“You are not lovable”) must be overwritten. I had to stop listening to this harsh inner critic and be more compassionate. As I saw it, I wasn’t getting any younger and my time was running out every day to “prove” my lovability, so to speak. That’s what I thought when I got caught in this painful cycle. Sometimes taking yourself out of it completely—at least for a while—is the only way you can start dating again. right for reasons.
7. Have a demanding lens.
Being mindful can save you from idealizing a person and then becoming overly attached to them and sacrificing your own sense of self for their approval. It requires detachment so that you can observe your feelings and thought processes from a more distant perspective.
I’m not saying to be rigid, but to have some level of self-awareness to pre-empt the deal. For example, years ago I didn’t ask questions to screen out potential dating “candidates” – and I kept getting hurt. I was the metaphorical dog chasing its tail in circles and making myself dizzy. Before I start dating, I find out if you are serious about dating women. I can feel what you’re looking for. When it becomes clear that what we’re looking for doesn’t match, I move on.
This will protect you from future injuries. It stops cars that are likely to break down – or simply run out of fuel – in their tracks. HSPs are more vulnerable than the general population to the surge of intense emotions, so we can protect ourselves by being more careful and circumspect.
My HSP colleagues, what would you add to the list? I’d love to hear it in the comments below!
