Saying “I’m sorry” is about so much more than the words—it’s about the intention and the actions that follow.
The patient I was assigned to interpret for—a woman in her 40s—was sobbing and had been sobbing ever since I arrived at the office. His caregiver looked at me, his face both apologetic and slightly embarrassed.
The doctor was 40 minutes late for our appointment and caused anxiety in this patient. As we waited for him, he wailed in Spanish to his caretaker, “You can never count on anyone. He told us to be here at 9:30. We got here by 9:30. We did as we were told, and now where is he?”
I learned that two years ago this woman was run over by a forklift while at work. Now she lived with chronic pain – like most of my patients.
While we were waiting for the doctor, the patient talked about how he wakes up every morning with a severe pain in his head. The pain lasted all day. It wouldn’t leave him alone (despite doing everything he was told). Followed the recommended exercises. He took his medication as prescribed. Expected. He tried to grab a few leaves of hope, even as every root and branch of the struggle stood in his way, blocking access.
But the pain didn’t ease. He woke her up several times during the night. His ears were constantly ringing loudly. He just wanted to sleep. Why couldn’t the doctors do something to make it go away? He felt like no one cared.
He got up from his seat and frantically paced the room. The spine model leaning against the counter rattled as it walked. He forcefully opened the door and declared: “I don’t want to be locked up!” (“I don’t want to be trapped!”). The tears fell even more down her face.
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If we don’t apologize, we feel invisible and unheard
As a highly sensitive person (HSP) who struggles with depressionamong others mental health problemsmy heart fell out for him. There were moments when I felt like no one cared (even if I could rationally tell myself that wasn’t true). There have been times when I’ve felt let down by people (although they probably didn’t mean to). There were also times when I felt like a mouse in a certain position in the cage (much like the patient was trapped in that room).
And we, being highly sensitive people, feel things much more than most, so I would be very upset if I were her. And because we feel things like this we have a profound tendency to take things more personally than others. So, not getting an apology can make us feel disrespected (among other things).
The doctor came, we made an appointment. At the end, when he started, the patient spoke: “You’re late, and that’s not fair to us.” (“You came very late and it’s not fair to us.”)
I thought back to a doctor who once arrived two hours late for another appointment I was interpreting for (the receptionist said this was his pattern, not an anomaly). The doctor who was wearing a colorful shirt and had a silly demeanor left immediately without acknowledging the time spent waiting.
When the patient and I talked about it, the doctor’s response was to start talking about the importance of his work and his heavy caseload.
Everything he said was true – I knew there was a reason he was late and the patient and I were not saying he was evil or a bad person. This is rarely the intention behind someone’s challenge. I just knew that both the patient and I would have appreciated it more if he had been able to say even a short “I’m sorry to keep you waiting” – nothing at all.
As Psychologist Harriet Lerner writes in him book, Why Don’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts“Sometimes the other person’s failure to apologize when they should apologize affects us more than the act for which they should apologize.”
But back to the late doctor…
“Doctors like me keep people like you employed,” he continued. He asked if we had ever been to a dispensary. He asked if we “knew how they worked”.
I was now prepared for a similarly dismissive and defensive response. I waited for the doctor to say that his other patients did not dispute his delay. Those everyone understood – why couldn’t this patient provide a similar understanding?
But to my surprise, he didn’t reject it. He didn’t even try to defend himself. Instead of arguing with the distressed woman, he simply looked her in the eye and apologized.
Wow. Effective.
The importance of a good apology, especially for highly sensitive people
Women tend to apologize excessively rather like men. I once heard a friend apologize to two guys for throwing water on them (water!) – even though a guy bumped into him from behind and knocked the cup out of his hand.
I’ve been apologizing to him all my life inanimate objects (!), such as wallets, trash bags, GPSs, and more—sometimes with words, other times with body language and physical gestures which conveys “sorry”.
The bottom line is that we all want a meaningful apology—not just a superficial apology, but one that clears the air. The kind that takes responsibility and accountability. The kind that expresses empathy. And again, because we HSPs feel things more deeply, this really it affects us when we don’t get the heartfelt apology we’re looking for. (And when we do, we feel it like this I’ve seen it and heard it, and I really appreciate it.)
“When someone gives me a sincere apology, I’m relieved and calmed down. Any anger and resentment that I still harbor melts away,” Lerner also said. writes in his book.
A sincere apology it requires understanding the other person’s experience. We stop to think about why they might feel the way they do. We may have had our reasons for doing or saying “x” thing, maybe even very good reasons. Despite good intentions, we are still able to recognize unintended negative consequences. We are willing to adapt both to the validity of our own intentions and to the reality of the other person.
For example, the nice doctor could have made the (valid point) that health professionals are very busy. He could have explained that the two meetings before ours were complicated cases that required extra time. But he didn’t. And in my opinion, the ability was necessary to achieve this to evoke sympathy because of the patient’s anxiety while putting his ego aside for a moment.
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A good apology doesn’t include the word “but.”
Lerner, one episode from NPR life stock, He described a good apology as “when we take clear and direct responsibility without evasion, blame, obfuscation, excuse-making, and without bringing up the other person’s criminal record.”
According to him, a good apology doesn’t include the word “but” but instead offers reparation and doesn’t overdo it. (This is hard for me. I usually like to explain things at length; I guess that’s the writer in me.)
Plus, words alone don’t cut it. According to Lerner, this must be supported by corrective measures. For example, an ex-housemate apologizing for breaking my bike after borrowing it did little to improve our relationship. Even after saying “I’m sorry” he still didn’t take any steps to fix the bike.
And finally, a good apology asks for nothing—no apologies, and no apologies in return.
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How being rational plays a role in apologizing and responding
Lifelong conditioning and observing the behavior of others teaches many of us to react in the opposite way to this kind doctor. Instead, people tend to respond to “irrational” outbursts of emotion with logic and reason. In this way, they insist on the rightness (or goodness) of the intentions to erase the possibility of unintended negative impact.
In the mediafor example rarely not the wrongdoer takes responsibility with words that convey self-reflection and introspection. Instead, we’re used to hearing canned, generic and terse “apologies” from high-profile offenders.
The dismissive doctor was funny. He spoke briskly, his tone was ugly. He gestured extravagantly as he spoke. His voice cracked. Words flew out of his mouth into the air between us to convey the explanation. But the willingness to be held accountable, even when the lack thereof is cushioned between jokes and cheekiness, is still not willing to be held accountable.
Andrea Bonior, Ph.D.wrote about the apology in Psychology Today, and says it’s good to keep a few things in mind, including being clear about why you’re apologizing; don’t apologize just to achieve the goal (ie not just because you want something from the other person in return); knowing that there is a difference between explanation and justification; to really listen to the other person; and being empathetic as well as remorseful (and we all know HSPs are big on empathy).
Personally, when I apologize, which I mean, and the other person does the same, I feel cleaner inside. It feels like we’re getting closer. It seems like a necessary contact.
A sincere apology begins with putting ego aside. They remain willing to question the answers we’ve always accepted as the unquestionably “right” (or only) way and replace them with something new.. Hopefully, they end with the other person hearing it and your relationship gets stronger as a result.
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